


The Burden Of Remembering (Book 2)

by RaevynNocturne



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Gen, Heavy Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Torture, Loss, Memories, Minor Character Death, Repressed Memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 19:08:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 21,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29440953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaevynNocturne/pseuds/RaevynNocturne
Summary: With all 13 Doctors trying to work together, things are bound to go poorly. Can they work not only together, but with Clara and Lady Me? Can they solve this mystery before they lose themselves?
Relationships: Ashildr | Lady Me/Clara Oswin Oswald, Twelfth Doctor/Clara Oswin Oswald
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	1. Working Together

**Author's Note:**

> I realized I hadn't actually written this one into chapters, so I'm doing my best to sort the story into chapters. The titles of these two "books" will be evident somewhat early on in this story.
> 
> Also, I use italics for flashback scenes, and bold italics for telepathic conversations, just to let you know!

The kitchen was a chaotic flutter of noise, with several people arguing, one person cooking, and another making pots of tea and coffee. Not everyone in the room was talking, but the ones that were made enough noise to distract the ones that were trying to think. Only two of the people in the room were quiet, introspective, so lost in thought that the noise around them didn't even register. One sat in the corner, having dragged a chair over to avoid the press of people; the other sat at one of the smaller tables that had appeared after everyone woke up. River Song had vanished, leaving in the same group as the soldiers she'd hired to help with the rescue. She couldn't face all the Doctors, especially not the one she'd seen last; he was too lost in his own thoughts to even realize she was there. It was better this way, she didn't want to add to his burden. Lady Me had stayed, though, refusing to let Clara face all those Doctors by herself, even though Bowtie had quietly said he'd help look after Clara. She'd politely declined, explaining that it was more that she didn't Clara getting dragged down into the suffering of the older Doctor; Bowtie had wisely said nothing, knowing that Lady Me was more afraid of losing Clara to his next incarnation than anything. So Me sat there, quietly, not really wanting to be there, but refusing to leave Clara alone. She was, however, rather amused by the Doctors who were arguing. It had been five days since the rescue, and the tensions had been high. The news that not only were the Doctors now effectively mortal (but with, technically, a longer life span than a human), but that they had no memories of anything beyond their own incarnations, had lead to rising tensions. It was slowly starting to upset Clara, who wanted nothing more than to just go to the velvet clad Doctor, hold him, and help him. But it was almost as if everyone looked to her, now, to fix everything. They couldn't see that, if they worked together, they could figure this predicament out; all they wanted to do was argue about who's plan was best. The female Doctor ignored it all, lost in her own memories, not actually wanting to come out and help. She wasn't terribly bothered by the fact that she'd been kidnapped, it was more common than people realized. She was horrified by the fact that they'd separated her from her past incarnations, and she had no memories to draw upon. And she felt truly horrible for the Doctor she learned was her predecessor, the velvet clad Scotsman, because she knew he had suffered the most from what had happened. She still didn't know to what extent, only that he, of all of them, had the most haunted look; she had no doubt that he was, in fact, the most haunted of them all.

  
__________________________________________________________

_The young woman, who really couldn't be called young by human standards, twirled around in front of him, showing off her new velvet coat. It was a deep, violet purple with dark blue satin lining, designed to match the blue velvet jacket he himself wore. She looked stunning in it, and the way her smile made her eyes twinkle made his hearts flutter. He had never been more in love with her._

_"I hope it looks ok," the girl, Elizabeth, asked, smiling up at him._

_"It looks good," the Doctor replied, his Scottish accent coming out thick, from emotion._

_He reached out for her, and she took his hand, her grasp stronger now than it was when they'd first met. It had been two years, and this was the first time she'd done something this impulsive. She wanted to be more like him, which had actually caused him to become afraid; he still felt like he was inevitably a bad influence on his companions. But, she had managed to remain the shining beacon he needed her to be, and the closest she had come to becoming more like him was to have this jacket made. He wondered, briefly, what she'd look like in a velvet dress of the same color, and vowed to look for one for her. But for now, he was content to be with her now, holding her hand, seeing the stars in her eyes, and was excited to show her more_

  
__________________________________________________________

Her head felt like she'd gotten a slightly shock, and she frowned. That memory, that wasn't hers. She looked across the room at the other Doctor, and was surprised when he looked up at the same time. One of the few things they had all found out, much to their shock and horror, was that they couldn't retain the memories from their other selves. They could share, but it was like trying to remember a dream after waking, the memories just wouldn't stick. So how is it that she could retain this memory? Why was it sharp, and clear? She raised an eyebrow, and had a moment of amusement to see he had done the same. She carefully shook her head, ever so slightly, in a negative, and sent him a private message that now wasn't the time to talk about it, to meet her in her room later. She saw him nod, ever so slightly, to show he understood. She held onto that memory, and realized with a painful shock that the girl from the memory was the same one that was sitting in the chair.

She got up immediately, stumbling slightly in her rush to leave the room. She felt cold all over as shock kicked in, and she felt herself shaking. She knew, in a distant, distracted way, that her abrupt departure had caused a small scene, but she was too stunned to think straight, or care. But no one seemed to be coming after her, and she stumbled into her room, closing and locking the door behind her. Pushing her shoes off, throwing her jackets onto the chair, she throws herself onto her bed, and cries into her pillow. She remembers very little of what happened after they zapped her the last time, only that she had briefly come to, only to find herself being carried out of the room. She knew only that the chair in the center of the room had been empty, then she'd blacked out. It wasn't until the next morning that she found out that the girl was gone by the time Clara and Me had gotten there, which caused the velvet clad Scottsman to go almost catatonic with grief. That was more terrifying than his quiet crying had been, because she feared he'd lose himself in his grief, and they'd lose him altogether.

She ignored the knocking at her door, hiding her face in her pillow, trying to keep her grief some leaking outside the room. She couldn't face anyone right now, the knowledge of just what that girl had meant pierced her hearts, deeply.

 _ **-It's me. I can feel you from here. I think you need to understand better what you saw, and I need to know what you saw before the split. Please. You're the only one who seems to understand. I don't dare go to Clara-**_ the Scottish voice said, catching in emotional pain at the name Clara.

Without thinking, the door unlocked, and the velvet clad Doctor (the Magician, she recalled Clara calling him jokingly) slipped into the room, closing the door behind him. She hadn't turned on any lights, but he made his way to her bed without difficulty. She felt him sit down on the bed, and touch her shoulder, making her turn to look at him. She'd seen him in the kitchen, eyes red from crying. She knew he had cried himself to the point he couldn't shed tears, and the pain from his mental voice said he thought he'd lost one heart to grief alone. Without even realizing she'd done it, she threw herself at him, crying into his shoulder, feeling him wrap his arms around her, sharing in her grief. A small, distant part of herself was a slightly amused at the fact that she sought comfort from her previous incarnation, while another part of said she was reacting to him as though he was a mentor, almost an older brother figure, and that it was only natural to seek comfort with someone who understood.

They sat that way for several minutes, until she had cried herself hoarse, until the grief seemed a little less heavy. Finally she looked up at him, and was a little surprised that not only could she see him, but that there were fresh tears on his cheeks. She smiled up at him, and he smiled down at her, then helped her sit up straight. She carefully turned on the light next to the bed, keeping it at it's lowest level; enough light to barely see, without blinding them.

"Who was she?" she croaked out, and was unable to stop herself from smirking slightly; she sounded a little like a frog.

"She was someone I'd fallen in love with, long before I regenerated. It was after Clara, after I lost the memories of her, but before the university I ended up at," he replied softly, scooting to the other end of the bed, propping himself up against the baseboard.

"She was beautiful. What was her name?" she asked quietly, arranging herself at the top of the bed so she could face him. She resisted the urge to tickle his large feet that were sitting next to her, and wondered where that urge came from.

"Her name was Elizabeth, Liz for short," he replied, almost reverently. Then smiled, and wiggled his toes at her, almost as if he'd heard her thought about wanting to tickle his feet. She smiled back.

"What was she like?" she asked, carefully allowing the smile to drop from her face, letting a more neutral look come over her.

"She was smart, funny, kind, sweet, and remarkably sarcastic. She might have had a disability, but she didn't let it stop her, wouldn't let it keep her down. She had a little trouble when we first started going on adventures together, because she'd become too sedentary by that point, but she started moving around more, even started working out. And, because the TARDIS can create rooms, she took advantage of a new, small, heated pool that appeared one day next to the small gym, and became stronger," he said, looking at nothing, lost in the memory. He smiled again, but she could tell it was painful nonetheless.

"So... If you don't mind me asking, when did you two become lovers? And don't lie to me, I can tell it happened because of the memory," she asked after a minute of silence. He looked at her, almost hurt, with a bit of anger in his eyes. Then his expression softened, and he looked down at his clasped hands.

"While it is, in fact, a long story, in short, it was after a mission gone terribly wrong. I'd become ill, and she'd taken care of me. I'd gotten injected with something that was causing unbearable pain, and she spent months looking for the cure. It was only after she'd gotten it, and given it to me, that things progressed beyond the loving friendship we'd had. It wasn't quite a year since we'd met, but that didn't matter to either of us. I'd loved her for longer than she realized, maybe even longer than she had loved me. But I remembered, at the time, the trouble I'd had in the past with relationships, and had honestly been afraid of getting close to her. I didn't want to lose her, as I'd lost the others. And now, I can't even remember who they were, only that I had a memory of having lost others I loved," he said, his eyes clouding over with pain. She reached out, gently touching his leg, trying to show him she understood. He smiled briefly at her, and patted her own feet, although they were not as close to him as his were to her. Silly, tall males, she thought with a chuckle, and was heartened to see him smirk.

"Don't worry, I doubt anyone else can hear your thoughts. I've just gotten good at it, because of her. She was actually more powerful then me.. Than us. If you can believe that," he said, smiling softly.

"So, tell me about her! At least, tell me what you're willing to share. I know technically I'm who you turn into, but I don't remember, so it's almost like I'm a completely different version. So if there's things you'd rather keep private, I will understand, and wouldn't blame you," she said, reaching out to touch his knee, smiling softly up at him. His eyes twinkled merrily, for the first time since she saw him, or met him, depending how you looked at it.

They talked for several hours, and their grief slowly eased some. Grief shared, is grief halved, so the saying goes.

  
_________________________________________________________

 _"Is this really necessary?" the Doctor grumbled as they slipped in to a couple chairs at the movie theater._

_"Yes it is. I told you, you don't see enough movies, so it's nice to get out once in a while," Liz said, handing him his drink._

_It had only been two months since they'd met, and started exploring the universe together; or rather, he took her around to all the places he'd already been. She learned that a movie was coming out she'd really wanted to see, and had finally convinced him to come with her, although he grumbled the whole way there. Secretly, though, he was actually rather excited; not about the movie, but of spending time with her. She didn't always relax completely around him, and this was the first time he'd seen her relaxed, and that made him happy, seeing her smile with excitement. But because it was almost expected of him, he grumbled about it all; but he knew that she knew he was doing it for show, and so she played along. That was just how they were, playing along with the expected ways, because they could._

_"You're scowling again, relax. I promise it won't be that bad. I already looked it up, and I actually think you might enjoy it," she said quietly, looking sideways at him, smirking._

_"Ha. Doubt it," he grumbled, eyes twinkling with the humor he couldn't, and wouldn't, hide. She'd had a bad week this past week, so seeing her in a better mood made him feel better. He knew there was typically one week a month she'd avoid him, for the most part, but this was different. She was in a great deal of pain, so she'd avoided him, so that she didn't take out her grumpiness on him. And the times she did interact with him, so when she was so quiet, it actually made him sad; she wasn't a big talker, but she usually had a way about her to make him smile. So seeing that childlike smile on her face made him feel better; he didn't care about the movie, he only care about her._

_He started slightly when her arm bumped him, and he realized he'd put his elbows on the arm rests without thinking about it, and she'd gone to grab her drink. The back of her hand touched the back of his hand briefly, and he was surprised that that simple, quick touch left his hand tingling. He quickly hid his reaction, including the fact that his hearts skipped a beat; he was reluctant to admit that he had been falling in love with this beautiful girl._

_"Sorry," she said, smiling apologetically, switching her drink over to the other side of her chair. He stopped himself from telling her not to do that, not wanting to make things awkward. He knew he had to do something about his growing feelings, he just didn't know what, nor if he really even wanted to. But he didn't think he could take another heartbreak, not so soon after... Hmm. Who was she?_

__**-It's starting, Doctor. Just thought you'd like to know-**_ she said mentally to him, her mental voice infused with amusement. He just glared down at her, which made her chuckle softly, and they both turned back to the movie._

_____________________________________________________

"I still don't remember what the movie was about, but that was the first time I'd admitted to myself that I was starting to feel something more towards her than friendship. Part of me didn't want it, because of Clara. I knew I'd lost someone I loved, but couldn't remember anything else. But the other part of me that wanted it, wanted it because I was lonely, she was lonely, and she made me feel things I hadn't felt in a long time. Not just love," he retorted, snorting at the female Doctor's smirk and look of amusement.

"You'd have had to have spent time around her to understand, though. She was.. is... an empath, so she could make you feel emotions stronger, sometimes weaker, sometimes even take them away. So her excitement would be amplified, and I would feel just like I did when I first saw... Whatever it was," he said, smiling again at the memory. His female counterpart was intrigued, curious what it would be like to be around such a powerful empath.

"Unfortunately, that was also amplified in the other direction, although she tried hard to shield against it. But if she felt an emotion strongly, it sometimes leaked; the stronger she felt, the more that leaked. And I've WATCHED her use it against a group of people; that was one of the worst experiences I've ever dealt with. It was a little over a month after we'd met. The story is long and complicated, but pretty much we'd arrived in the middle of a small, civil war. After hearing both sides, she and I both decided to try to broker for peace, but we weren't having any luck. Eventually, she was forced to project the strongest feeling of pain, suffering, and sadness of loss I'd ever felt, in any lifetime. What was worse, was the images she projected with it: the young children, the teenagers, the elders, all dead because of some stupid misunderstanding. And since neither side wanted to sit down and even consider talking, she forced the issue. She shoved their losses in their faces, making them come to terms with the consequences of their actions. That was the first time I not only avoided her once we got back to the TARDIS, it was the first time I cried. Really cried. I am willing to admit that I curled up on my bed, and just cried. Because that had brought back memories I'd tried so hard to forget, to lock away. I didn't just feel the pain of those deaths she'd shown, I felt the pain of all the ones in my past, all the way back from before I'd left Gallifrey for the first time," he said quietly, eyes sad, but unashamed at admitting his weakness. He sensed that his female counterpart understood, even if she no longer had the memories, any more than he did. They could remember feeling the pain themselves, but the memories were gone. He knew that feeling all too well, having experienced it with Clara's memories...

He looked up when he felt her put her hand on his knee, and felt her support just through that simple touch. He smiled, and leaned over to part her hand; she, however, grabbed his hand and held it, and he allowed it. A small part of him, that he kept heavily shielded, was willing to admit she was very pretty, but she was like a sister to her; however, it never hurt to have the support of someone you knew you could trust.

"So what happened?" she finally asked, breaking his introspection.

"Oh, sorry. Well, I'd managed to avoid Liz for a full day, staying locked away in my room. I half expected the TARDIS to tell me I was being childish, but I think she actually understood. When I did finally come out, I didn't talk to Liz right away. I could see she was confused, worried, and even a little hurt at the fact that I was ignoring her, but she must have realized something was wrong, and didn't push me. I'd retreated to the armchair on the upper level, and she'd been kind enough to bring me a cup of tea. I didn't ask, and she didn't say a word after setting it down on the end table next to me. She just brought it up, set it down, and walked away. Didn't glance back, nothing, she just walked away. That's when I realized I was now just being an arse to her. So I called her over, and we talked for a while. I told her what I'd done, and explained why I'd disappeared for a day, what it had done to me. And she felt awful afterwards. The TARDIS finally warned me that, if I didn't want HER doing the same thing, shutting herself away, that I needed to make things right, and fast. So I did something I hadn't done up to that point, something I tended to avoid: I hugged her. She'd gotten up during the lull in the conversation, after I explained to her why what she'd done had hurt me so badly. I'd gone after her and hugged her, holding her close as she cried. I knew then that she realized how badly I was hurting, and that it wasn't actually her fault, it was an old pain. Next thing I knew, I felt this strange feeling of love, friendly, accepting, understanding, coming from her. I actually felt real heat coming from her body, and it was strong. And then, for no reason I could understand at the time, I suddenly felt better. I felt as though a burden I'd carried for so long had been.. If not completely lifted, at least partially lifted; she had chosen to share the pain with me. And that was the first time I'd felt a deep love for her, as a friend. After that, she was very careful what she projected, and to whom; and each time, she would disappear for a few hours after returning to the TARDIS. I didn't realize how much it drained her physically each time she did it, not just because the projecting itself took physical energy, but because she was drawing images and feelings from those around her. When I finally learned that, thanks to the TARDIS, I stopped letting her disappear, and I insisted on taking care of her, as she had done so for me many times," he said, sighing a little, and leaning back against the baseboard, now that his hand had been released.

"So, why did you guys stop travelling together?" she asked, although she didn't want to bring up what she felt was a touchy subject. He frowned, eyes both sad and confused.

"I'm not entirely sure why, but she decided one day she wanted to stay home. I always thought she WAS home. I mean, we had spent four years travelling together, three of which were spent as an official couple. We had briefly discussed the idea of marriage, if only because we'd been invited to see an... interesting wedding ritual. We'd talked about Gallifreyan weddings, and somehow we just ended up talking about our previous marriages. She asked me if I'd ever thought about getting married to her, which caught me completely off guard. I had no answer, so I asked her the same thing, and was a little surprised when she said yes. I wasn't sure if I wanted to know her answer, not until I saw her look down at her hands. When I finally asked what she thought about it, she said that, as much as she'd considered the idea, she ultimately decided that it wasn't for us. I was both saddened, and yet privately relieved. I'd remembered, at the time, having told someone else, a human, that they could stay with me their whole lives, but I couldn't stay with them for mine. Which is part of why I tried so hard not getting involved with someone, because the pain, on both sides, was more than I was willing to deal with," he said quietly, hands clasped awkwardly.

"Ever talk about children? Or rather, having any?" his counterpart asked, curious, but not wanting to intrude.

"I mean, if you don't want to talk about it, I understand," she said hurriedly, afraid he'd feel obliged to reply. And although his face looked pained, he had a bit of a twinkle in his eye.

"Actually, yes, we did, and neither of us wanted children. I'm too old, and she insisted that she was not a mothering kind of person. I knew differently, but I understood what she was meaning: she wasn't good at rearing children, but she had a surprisingly good maternal instinct. That was one of the earlier conversations we'd had, after a mission where we were surrounded by a very large group of them. She dealt well with them, a lot better than I did, but we agreed that was enough to cure us of any idea of having children. She admitted that she felt I'd have made a good father, but she said she didn't even think she could have children. When asked, she bluntly said she was 98% sure she was sterile. She said it so offhandedly, it actually shocked me. And later, when I had the TARDIS do a scan, I didn't have the heart to tell her that she was correct. She was 98% sterile," he said, smirking a little.

"Ok, how can someone be 98% sterile? You're either fertile, or you're sterile, and it's 100%. Right?" she asked, now very confused. She herself had run into people in both categories during her own travels, so she was sure that was something impossible.

"Normally, for a human, I'd say you were correct," he said, then purposefully waited. It didn't take long, his counterpart widened her eyes, reminding him a little of Clara; he wasn't sure how he felt about that comparison.

"For a human? Are you telling me she's not human?" she asked softly, almost as if in awe.

"Not entirely. We couldn't identify that extra bit in her DNA, not until later, after she'd already left. But I knew then that she could've had children of some variety, but it had to be with whatever had given her the extra DNA markers, or another half human like her. Not that she wanted any, which she was quick to point out any time we had to deal with children for an extend period of time. It would've been a little annoying, except that she would shudder in such a way that it would make me laugh, and I think that was the point. Once I identified the extra DNA, I actually did go back and visit her.... Once I found her, that is," he replied tartly.

"You lost her?" she asked, and almost chuckled.

"Well, she had moved. I didn't know this, but during the last year we were together, she'd sold her house, moving all her stuff into a storage unit. What she didn't have on the TARDIS, that was; the rest she didn't need she sold or gave away. Apparently she'd stayed for a little while with her best friend, but he didn't know where she moved to," he remarked.

"Ha, her best friend was a male?" she asked, now laughing. He frowned at her, trying to look disapproving, knowing why she was laughing. But her laugh was infectious, and soon he started smiling, even chuckling a little.

"Yes, he was, and before you ask, yes, I was in fact very jealous. But I had learned how to hide it. Turns out I didn't need to worry. While the guy admitted they'd had a brief dalliance, they weren't interested in dating. He said she seemed restless, saying that she kept staring outside, as though waiting for something, but wouldn't tell him what. I knew, and that made her leaving hurt even more. I felt like I let her down, even though it had been her choice. She'd already started distancing herself about two months before she finally left, and I knew at that point she was unhappy. She never explained why, and I don't think she ever would've told me, no matter what. And now...." he trailed off, not wanting to face that possibility. His counterpart placed her hand on his leg again, reminding him she understood, that she supported him. It was nice. The memories were painful now, if only because he never stopped loving Liz. He couldn't. And, deep within his hearts, he knew she never stopped loving him.

"Is it possible she chose to leave, so that you could move on with your life?" his counterpart asked, tilting her head slightly. He blinked, and thought about it.

"You know, I don't know. I honestly don't. It's possible. That does sound exactly like something she'd do. She told me the "horror stories", as she called them, of her doing that very thing. I actually laughed bitter afterwards, and told her that was the story of my life: doing what we think is right, not knowing until later it was the wrong thing," he admitted.

"Better we succeed at doing the wrong thing for the right reason, than fail to do the right thing for the wrong reason," they both quoted, and stared at each other. They knew they'd heard that before, but from where? It wasn't one of their personal memories, so how could they both know it? They stared at each other for a minute, before continuing.

"What I hadn't realized was, the week before she finally left, she'd already started packing all her things up in boxes. Not even the TARDIS told me, and refused to comment about it when I asked about it later. Most likely, Liz told her not to say anything, and the TARDIS absolutely adored her. It was very strange, but then, Liz did have that effect on people, she just was such an easy person to get along with. But, back to what I was saying, two days before she did leave, she told me of her decision. She said she had her reasons, and asked me not to persuade her, nor to stop her. I was too stunned to reply, too hurt, and I was afraid of letting her know. So I quietly nodded, and didn't move to stop her when she returned to her room. I didn't see her until the next afternoon, when she gave me an address where she wanted to be dropped off. It wasn't the one I'd arrived at the first time, and didn't realize until later that it was her friend's house. He wasn't home when were there, so I had no idea it was his, only that whoever it was had a kid. That actually made me laugh, which confused her, until I pointed it out, which made her laugh too. She said that little girl was the exception to the "no kids" rule, since she was pretty much that girl's aunt, for lack of better term. I helped Liz move her stuff in, and we awkwardly hugged goodbye. It took everything in me not to kiss her, but I knew she wouldn't want that. So I left. And that night, I cried myself to sleep, for the first time in years. The only thing I had of hers was this weird, rainbow colored pillow of fake, very soft, fur; she called it a body pillow. I clutched that to me as I cried, sleeping with it. It wasn't the same as having her, but it helped. It smelled like her, and rather than make it harder, it made it easier.

It took two months to track her down; I finally had to break down and ask UNIT for help. And I didn't do it lightly, because I didn't believe in abusing that kind of power. But Kate was kind, and very understanding, so she helped me look for her. We were both beyond shocked to learn she'd actually moved to a rural part of Scotland. I knew she was unhappy with the way the United States was heading, but I never expected her to actually move continents. Kate was kind enough to deliver a letter to her; I didn't want to just show up out of the blue. I asked Elizabeth to meet me at a coffee shop in Glasgow that I had come to love, even before I'd met her . Back when I was with Clara, although I didn't realize that then. She seemed completely surprised I was there, and asked how they'd found her. I told her the truth: I'd asked them to look for her; I lied, though, by saying I'd asked them to notify me when they found her, and asked them to invite her to meet me. Well, it wasn't a complete lie, I just didn't want her to know I was there when they found her. She didn't say anything, simply drinking her coffee. After a couple minutes of awkward silence, she finally asked why I was really there, and I said that I had some information I wanted to share with her. I invited her back to the TARDIS with me, but when she declined, it hurt more than I expected. I sighed, then asked if there was somewhere we could go that we could talk privately. As I had suspected, she suggested a local park, so there we went. I told her, as dispassionately as I could, the truth about her DNA, and how she could actually have children, but only with with either half humans like her, or others of this alien race. I'd learned after that, sadly, that there was actually several species of humanoids like her she could've bred with, but I know she wasn't interested. She was a little surprised at learning she wasn't completely human, but then off-offhandedly remarked that she had always suspected she wasn't completely human, and this only proved it. She was so distant, almost cold, like she didn't want to see me; her eyes told another story: she was hurting so deeply that she didn't want me there. She didn't want me to see the pain in her eyes, or how much really missed me. I decided the best thing was to change the topic, so I asked how things had been. We chatted about little things, her move, finding a job as a secretary (much to her surprise), meeting new friends, all of that. She never mentioned finding another partner, or anything to that degree, and I wasn't going to ask, as I figured it wasn't any of my business anymore. After about a half hour, it was too awkward for me to stay. So I bid her farewell, only shaking her hand in farewell. And I never went back," he said sadly. It never stopped hurting, but he moved on with his life. Guarded a vault, went on adventures with Bill Potts, gained back memories of Clara, regenerated. But he had already told that to his counterpart, so he didn't feel like recounting it again.

"I'm sorry to hear that. She sounds like an amazing person," she replied softly, feeling sorry for him.

"She was. I don't know how long it's been since I'd seen her, but from what I saw in that room, she hasn't really changed much," he said, pain coloring his voice. His counterpart didn't say anything, simply kept her hand on his leg, both of them lost in their own thoughts.


	2. Sharing

_____________________________________________________  


_Elizabeth was sitting in her favorite chair on the top level of the control room, watching the Doctor pace around the center console. They'd celebrated their three year anniversary two days ago, and something was setting him on edge, but he couldn't figure out what it was. So she decided to try to occupy his mind; she didn't know it would have the opposite effect._

_"I understand you better than many people would, or will, but not for how you realize. You carry a great weight on your shoulders, a great burden, and at times it seems almost impossible to carry. That's the real reason you have companions, friends, is to help ease some of that burden. You've seen it all, or think you have, so a lot of it seems boring, like old news. But when you take someone along who's never seen this or that, you get caught up in their childlike awe and wonder, and suddenly it become fun again._

_But, like all things, that too must eventually come to an end. And you're alone again, alone with your thoughts and your memories. But maybe they're a little less heavy this time, because you have fond memories of your adventures._

_But see, what most of your companions and friends don't realize is, is how heavy that burden actually is._

_Weight of the world on your shoulders? Nah. Weight of the universe? No, even that doesn't hold a candle. No. **It's the weight of the memories. The burden of remembering."**_

______________________________________________________

Unbeknownst to the two Doctors in the room, the other 12 Doctors all heard that memory, each grabbing their heads, gasping at the sharp stab of pain that followed the unknown, unwanted, memory intruded. The two in the room, however, stared at each other, shocked, and even a little worried, as the memory played itself out, with the last two sentences echoing around their heads.

"I'd forgotten about that. She didn't realize that that had only added to my anxiety, although I had to admit, she made a rather valid point about the companions. You know, come to think of it, I think that was actually the start of the problems. I know it was four months after that that she left, so I think it was a big problem," the velvet clad Doctor said quietly.

"So what happened?" his female counterpart asked, worried and curious at the same time.

"I know that I stopped pacing, placing my hands on the console, and hung my head. What she said hurt, in more ways than I think she realized. I know she was trying to make me feel better, but it ended up only making things worse. Now, I know I could've handled it a little better, but all I know I did was give her a hurt, pained look, and then went and locked myself in my room, again. We each had our own bedrooms, and we had decided to respect each other's right to privacy and space; if we needed time alone, we were supposed to tell the other, and that was that. But I wasn't exactly thinking straight, and I never did learn why I was so on edge. She knocked on the door, asked what was wrong, but I didn't reply, I was too wrapped up in my own mind, and was shielding against her. I didn't think it was that bad, although I did apologize later for not saying something before hand. But I guess the damage was already done," he said sadly.

Both turned their heads when they heard a heavy banging on the door, and she opened the door, only to back away quickly as the other 12 Doctors frowned or scowled in the hallway, and pushed their way in.

"Want to explain to us who that girl was, and what she had to do with you?" the Doctor with the wild, vibrant, multicolored jacket said harshly. The others nodded, although the lanky, younger Doctor with the bow tie, smiled abashedly. He was one of the few that was ok with the idea that they no longer had their memories from their previous incarnations. He also had a special connection with the velvet clad Doctor, because of Clara. 

The velvet clad Doctor sighed, and quietly left for the kitchen.

"This is going to take a while" he remarked, not looking forward to sharing his memories about her. However, remembering what the female had said, he decided to limit how much he told the others. It wasn't their business, really. 

  


Having already heard the stories, the female Doctor just stayed in her room, not wanting to deal with the drama or the noise. She was surprised, then, when a timid knock on her door sounded only a few minutes after the others got to the kitchen. Opening the door, she was even more shocked to find Clara, of all people, outside the door.

"Can I come in? I didn't want to hear any stories about the girl. It's... too difficult on me. I may have moved on, but that doesn't mean I stopped loving him. And while I know he couldn't remember me, it still hurts," Clara said sadly, grateful the other woman let her come in.

"I can understand that. Well, I haven't dealt with it myself, per se, but I can at least understand where you're coming from. I think you could do with a nice ladies night out, to be honest. Hey, is your girlfriend still around?" the Doctor asked, smiling brightly.

"Well, I'm not sure, but I'm sure we can find her. I like that idea, though, so let's see what she says! Let's go!" Clara said, suddenly excited about the idea. They found Me in Clara's room, and the three went out for a ladies night, after leaving a note with the TARDIS; it wouldn't do to just disappear without leaving notice.

______________________________________________________

All she knew was darkness, and pain. Voices, talking around her, in her, but she couldn't understand what was being said, if anything. She knew some of the voices were arguing, but she couldn't tell where they were coming from, much less what was being said. Occasionally, pictures flashed through her mind, like looking at photographs in a slide show, but they went by so fast, she couldn't get a good look at them.

Red, deep, dark, the color of dried blood, flashed across her field of vision. A sense of darkness, of an evil so vile it made her sick. Anger, hate, and a strange sense of triumph, flooded her, threatening to consume her.

For the first time since she was aware of anything, a faint flicker of light, like a candle in the distance, cropped up, keeping the flashes of red away. An emotion is tied to the light, one that is fleeting at best, but it's enough to keep the worst of the dark emotions and red flashes at bay. She couldn't identify the emotion, but she was grateful for it nonetheless.

For a very brief moment, she thought she felt arms around her, lovingly holding her, helping keep her calm. Sound, music playing so faintly she couldn't really identify it, could be heard, and seemed to be coming from the arms holding her. Right before she fell asleep, she recognized the music as being someone humming a lullaby. Sighing in her twilighted state, she fell into a deep sleep, praying she could stay that way.

______________________________________________________

It was late, in the wee hours of the morning, before the three women got back to the TARDIS. Although it's difficult for the Doctor to get drunk, she managed to do it, drinking almost three times as many drinks as Clara and Me. So they stumbled through the doors of the TARDIS, which had opened by themselves (with the amused TARDIS trying hard not to laugh), giggling softly, trying so very hard not to be too loud. They'd gotten most of the loud laughing out of their systems before they even got close, so they were a little more calmed down. Stumbling a little more more than they expected, they made their ways to their rooms, giggling as they kept stumbling into the walls. Luckily, the hallways seemed almost soundproof, because nothing would kill their moods faster than being yelled at for acting like little kids. The Doctor smiled, thinking this had been the most fun she'd actually had in a long time, and decided she needed to remedy that.

She didn't bother with the lights when she got into her room, pulling off her jackets, tossing them on the armchair in the corner, and slipping her shoes off, which she pushed carefully under the bed. Crawling into the bed, it took a minute to realize something was wrong, but it didn't seem menacing, just different. It was when she heard an intake of air, next to her in the bed, that she realized someone was sleeping in her bed. But who, and why? Reaching out her arm carefully, she smiled when she touched a velvet shoulder. So, the Magician had fallen asleep in her bed? How strange. She knew it wasn't what most would think, those that didn't know them, as they were more like siblings than anything. Trying to explain they were essentially the same person would be difficult to understand, so some of them had decided to refer to themselves as family, which was the closest to the truth.

Trying not to shift around too much, for fear of waking him, she falls asleep quickly, with the strange thought that it felt nice to have someone sharing her bed, almost comforting.


	3. Chapter 3

It had been twelve days since the big rescue, and they had all finally decided to work together, once they understood that arguing wouldn't do any good. So the Doctors had chosen to use the kitchen as a sort of staging area, so many of the tables had various papers on them, maps, blueprints, and other various papers strewn in haphazard abandon. Several of them were looking over different maps, blueprints, filling the kitchen with a low buzz of conversations. Kettles of water were on the stove, with a coffee pot kept full of regular coffee. Clara was working on the dishes, surprised at how many mugs and plates there were, although she realizes she shouldn't actually be that surprised. 14 Doctors, Clara, and Me made a lot of dishes, so they had to be cleaned twice a day. And because Clara wasn't good at strategy, and Me just didn't care, they had opted to take up the chores around the TARDIS, making sure to keep the ship as clean as they could.

While the Doctors didn't need much sleep, they had decided to sleep in shifts, sleeping only four hours every three days, while the rest worked hard to get more information on the cult that had kidnapped the female Doctor, and had split her into the rest of her 13 past incarnations, stealing their regeneration energy, placing the energy within the host of a woman one of the later incarnations knew, intimately. It was slow going, but at least it was better than arguing uselessly.

By now, they each had a favorite chair, or place to sit, so unless they were involved in a small group conversation or sleeping, it wasn't difficult to find the person you were looking for. The Magician, as they all called him now, sat in his corner, leaning against the wall, drinking his usual cup of tea. Sunshine, as Clara had named the female Doctor, waved at him from the door, and threaded her way to the table, trying to not knock off any papers that might be too close to the edge of a table. She sat down quietly, surprised when Clara passed by, dropping off fresh cups of tea and picking up empty cups, placed one in front of Sunshine. Smiling, and getting ready to say thank you, the words died on her lips, and her smile fell; Clara had been avoiding the Magician almost the entire time, and no one knew why.

"Another bad dream last night?" she asked him quietly, careful to make sure no one else had heard. The morning after she, Clara, and Me had had their ladies night out, he had explained to Sunshine that he'd went to her room to sleep, because his dreams were so turbulent from memories bubbling forth; his room, which had been saved by the TARDIS after his regen, still had some things that smelled just like Liz, and it had brought up a painful memory for him.

"Yeah..." he replied, equally as quiet. He'd not told her what the dream was, only that it was a memory of a happier time with Liz.

"You know you can talk to me, I won't judge you," she said, smiling softly. He simply nodded, watching Clara move around the room, gathering up dishes and trash. It had been another sore point for him, the fact that Clara wouldn't talk to him. He'd seen her talk to Bowtie a few times, and that had hurt almost as bad.

"I don't know that I'm ready for that yet, but thank you. I'm just glad you're willing to let me stay with you when things get too painful," he said, sighing softly.

"Of course! That's what friends do! I know it sounds weird, considering I'm who you regen into, but at this point, we're each our own people, and I think of you all as my friends, as family. With the same, strange dynamics other families have," she replied, and giggled, which make him smirk. And although the thought was a little painful, it made him smile to think that Liz would've said the same exact thing. He noted how similar Liz and Sunshine were, and hoped he'd get to introduce them properly. But chances were slim that she'd survive, no matter how much hope he held onto.

"Oh, before I forget, I won't be back until late. We're doing another girls night out," Sunshine remarked brightly, smiling broadly, excited to be able to get out again. She added her input to the various conversations, but still didn't feel like there was much else she could do. Of all of them, only three of the Doctors were brilliant strategists, and that wasn't really her. More than anything, her and Clara ended up being the peace keepers, which in and of itself was very strange. She vowed that, if they ever did succeed in not only restoring their memories, but returning them back into her, she'd work harder to learn strategy, but would also write journals that the later incarnations could read. It never hurt being able to go back and read a journal, in case you needed to remember something. She'd already tried to convince the others to start doing the same, but only four of them had done so, so far.

"Noted, and thanks for the warning. Hopefully I won't need to sleep in your room again, but I don't plan to sleep tonight; my dreams are too much to handle, even if I wasn't needed for planning," he remarked dryly.

"I hear ya. I just wish there was more we could all do," she replied wistfully, earning a smirk from him.

"You and the rest of us, my dear. So, when are you ladies heading out?" he asked, not wanting to wander down the path of impatience concerning the cult.

"Not sure. I know Me mentioned wanting to go shopping, so maybe I'll see if I can't convince them to do a whole day of it. Shopping, pampering, and later drinking," Sunshine said brightly, causing the Magician to laugh loudly. Ignoring the rude glares from some of the others, he looked at her, trying to imagine her being... Well... Girly. Regenerating into a woman was one thing, but he had yet to see her really do anything like the human women loved to do, so he was suddenly very curious to see how that would end up. He personally saw no point in primping, which he saw as a waste of time. He remembered teasing Clara several times for getting dressed up just to go have dinner with her boyfriend Danny. He didn't know if Me ever did anything like that, but wouldn't put it past her. Liz, he knew, hated getting dressed up, and only ever put on makeup twice in the four years he had known her, and they'd both enjoyed bonding over that one similarity: disdain for such womanly pursuits. He suddenly wondered what Liz would make of this proposed girls day out, and whether or not they'd have tried to drag her along. He thought about that as he watched Sunshine and Clara walk out of the kitchen, and concluded that she might have gone along just for the company; she would've been bored to tears with all these Doctors looking over these plans, and planning.

He looked up after hearing someone calling for him, trying hard not to smirk at the fact that everyone called him the Magician now, especially since it had been the nickname Clara had given him. He sighed, and headed over to the group of Doctors looking over the blueprints of the building they'd all been found in. It would be another long day, and even longer night.

  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Unbeknownst to anyone else, a beautiful music box, made of ebony wood, and a crystal in the shape of a crescent moon on top, wound itself up, and started playing what sounded like a complex version of "Hush Little Baby". Had he heard it, the Magician would've recognized that as the song being hummed in his dreams. It had been a gift from Liz, who had found the tune so beautiful, almost haunting, and had thought he would enjoy it. While he hadn't enjoyed the music as much, the craftsmanship was outstanding. and he'd kept it on his dresser. The TARDIS, upon seeing the music box, debated whether or not to mention it; she knew that thing couldn't have started on its own. She ultimately decided not to do or say anything, not unless it happened again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is so short, but as I said in the first chapter, I'm trying to split my story up into chapters, since I forgot to do it originally! Derp!

Days turned into weeks, time most felt was wasted because they'd gotten nowhere. There was absolutely no sign whatsoever of the cult, nor of Elizabeth. The insignia that had been used with the cult hadn't been seen since either. Three months after the rescue, three months of getting nowhere, several of the Doctors decided it was time to move on, and live their lives. Four of them had, in fact, managed to find a place to stay in London, sharing a large flat together, and even found jobs to keep them occupied. Although some had complained that working regular jobs was demeaning, that didn't stop the others from pursuing work. A month later, it was decided by everyone that there was nothing anyone could do, and that they should all move on with their lives. Only two people remained in the TARDIS: Sunshine and the Magician; she, because this actually was her TARDIS, and Magician, because he didn't want to be alone with his thoughts, and memories. They continued to travel the universe, looking for any scrap of information they could find, no matter how old or useless it might prove. That suited them both, and worked out well. Clara and Me had chosen to return to their own TARDIS, saying goodbye only to Sunshine, Bowtie, and Pinstripes (Bowtie's previous incarnation). Magician pretended not to notice, pretended not to care, but Sunshine knew differently; she had seen the tears in his eyes later that evening, after Clara left, and found herself angry with the young woman. So any time she ran into Clara or Me, she was very brusque with them, almost cold, barely saying anything when she did have to talk to them. But that was ok, Sunshine and Magician developed a friendship with each other that was closer than even siblings, and even invited the other Doctors to visit, although really only Bowtie visited regularly, and Pinstripes infrequently.

All in all, despite the setback, things had turned out better than they had guessed, or so they thought. Only one person knew better, and that person hadn't been able to warn the Doctors that the worst was yet to come.


	5. One Year Later

Someone was saying her name, a male by the sound of the voice, one which was very familiar to her. Then someone was poking her in the shoulder; when she didn't respond, they started shaking her.

"Oi, Sunshine, wake up! Now's not the time for sleeping," an excited, Scottish male voice said, trying to shake her awake. Groaning, she tries to smack him with a pillow, only to have him grab it, and toss it on the chair in the corner. Sitting up, shading her eyes against the lights, she scowls up at Magician, wondering what could be so important that he'd wake her up. It had been a long night for her, and she needed sleep.

"Come on, I found something!" he said, pulling on her arm to get her out of bed. Yanking her arm free, she got out of bed, grabbing her long, lilac colored bathrobe she'd picked up a couple months ago, slipped into an old, comfortable pair of slippers, and shuffled after the unusually excited Scottsman. While they weren't exactly body shy, it was out of respect that they wore clothes around each other, although the friendship had progressed to the point that pajamas was acceptable to wear in each other's company.

This had better be good, she thought sourly to herself, following his fast pace into the control room. And stopped dead when she got to the console deck, staring in shock at the image on the monitor closest to her: a large space ship, bearing the insignia of the cult they'd been looking for for over a year now.

"I found this just a little while ago, and managed to track it down. And it gets better: there are rumors of a female, matching Liz's description, was seeing in the company of troops wearing that insignia," he said, excitement hiding the pit of fear in his stomach; he was afraid it wasn't his Liz anymore, and as much as he wanted to save her, he had slowly been resigning himself to the idea that she might not be able to be saved.

"Where was this taken?" Sunshine, or Sunny as she now preferred to be called, asked, holding the monitor so she could try to get a better look.

"The Androkoran System," he replied, giving her a knowing look.

"The Androkoran System? Isn't that the homeworld that the alien race was said to belong to?"

"The same. Apparently, either the planet repaired itself after all this time, or someone came by later and terraformed it, because the biggest planet in the system appears to be inhabited again. Whether it's by members of the cult, or by another race that came in later, I don't know yet. I thought about going and visiting, but I wasn't sure that would be wise, especially if anyone there knows what the TARDIS sounds like," he said, pulling up an image of the system on the other monitor, and swung it over towards Sunny, so that she could see too.

"Do we want to involve anyone else?" she asked, knowing that that had been a point of contention between them: she wanted to involve the others in whatever plans they made, while he contended that the others had made their choice, and he wasn't going to interfere with their lives.

"Not yet. Maybe Bowtie, because he's been asking lately if there was anything he could do to help, but he'd be the only other one I'd want to involve. They all have their lives, it's not right for us to pull them away. At least, not until we have more evidence. If we actually find her, or find a way to track her, then yes, we can involve the others. Until then, we keep this to ourselves," he replied, a little tartly.

He and some of the earlier incarnations had gotten into an argument about leaving. He understood wanting to move on with their lives, but he felt as though this was how they did that, looking for the cult, looking for Liz. There was really only five other Doctors, not counting Sunny, that he even spoke to, because they understood his burning desire to keep looking. By the time the first group had left, all the Doctors knew what he had done to rescue Clara, even if several of them felt like he was just throwing away his life again. The eighth incarnation had understood, although he did eventually decide to settle down, get a job, at least until they needed his help. The incarnations, including War, after the eighth had all expressed the same thoughts, but only Bowtie had actually tried to do more to help. The incarnation Clara called Leather Jacket, the one who came after the War Doctor, actually felt the most helpless, not being able to offer much in the way of expertise, although he was the one person the others kept in contact with, which Sunny said was very important.

She sighs, but doesn't press the issue. She might not agree completely, but she did at least understand where he was coming from. About the only thing that all of the Doctors could agree on was that Liz was a high priority, and that Clara was a horrible girl for how she was treating the Magician. But most of the Doctors didn't want to stand around in the TARDIS while only a few of the others went out in search of information, and Magician couldn't fault them on that logic, although he never told anyone he felt that way. He didn't blame the ones that chose to settle down because they knew they couldn't do anything more to help, and so he still had Leather Jacket (who needed a new nickname, Magician thought to himself) keep him up to date for those few, and honestly didn't care about the others. Unbeknownst to the Magician, Bowtie had, in fact, remarked to both Pinstripes and the War doctor that that was something he thought all of the incarnations had in common: a single mindedness when it came to something they were passionate about, and not always was that a good thing. As she thought about Bowtie, she wasn't surprised to hear her phone ding; although they often considered it antiquated, many of the Doctors chose to get cellular phones, to make it easier to stay in contact with each other. She didn't really understand all these social networking sites, but she had made accounts on several of them, to help keep in contact with the Doctors that had done the same. She and Bowtie loved to share random memes with each other, as well as cute pictures, and that was often what would save her from throwing something at the Magician; today was no different.

"What's Bowtie up to today?" Magician asks, without even looking at her, looking at something on the monitor he had spun around to the other side of the console.

"Just sharing an adorable photo of a couple of puppies and kittens playing together," she replied, smiling, and held up the phone to show him. While he had no interest in any of the social sites, much less having a cellular phone, he did occasionally enjoy some of the pictures she showed him, especially when it was baby animals. Seeing him smile made her earlier annoyance fade away, and she replied to Bowtie in the text.

"Shall I tell him? Or do we want to wait?" she asked absently, paying more attention to her phone than to the other Doctor.

"Eh, let's wait, at least for a little bit. I don't want to get his hopes up. I want to zip over to the system first, and see if that ship is still there, and maybe more. If so, then we can let him know, and maybe the others," he replied, and let his face show the sadness he felt. He had, in fact, heard some rumors a couple days ago in a marketplace he'd visited, about a couple planets that had been obliterated, reduced to tiny chunks of rocks in a matter of seconds, but had chosen not to tell Sunny, because he didn't know if it was the cult or not; he didn't want to believe it could be, because then that would mean she was gone, and he refused to give up.

"Yeah, ok, that makes sense," she replied, pretending to she was more interested in talking to Bowtie than she was, pretending she didn't see the look on his face. He'd lost weight since the first time they'd officially met, if that was even possible, and he started looking almost emaciated; cheeks hollow, eyes almost always red-rimmed now, skin with a slightly grayish cast to it, and he didn't help anything by choosing to wear all dark colors, usually black. The one, and only time, she brought it up, he just glared at her, and stormed off in a huff; although he apologized later for being rude, he never answered her as to why, and she never again asked.

"Well, since I'm up, how about I make us something to eat, eh?" she asked after a minute of silence. He didn't answer, only looked at her briefly, and went back to whatever it was he was doing, leaving her to sign, and toddle off to the kitchen. They didn't eat often, for the same reason they didn't need to sleep often, but Sunny had found that cooking could be therapeutic. And although her first few attempts had failed, he had still been supportive of her efforts, and praised her cooking. Or he had at first, now just eating whatever she put in front of him. Sometimes she had to force him out of the TARDIS just to get him to spend some time away from the situation, take some time off, and the ship had lately been more than willing to help. She, the TARDIS, hated seeing one of her Doctors in such a sad shape, even if she understood and sympathized.

After a simple breakfast of eggs and chips, Sunny wandered back to her room and got dressed, but then just sat in the chair in her room. She really didn't have anything to do, she knew he'd never ask her to help with something that only required one person. She had already read all the books in the library, several times, and none of the electronic books she'd acquired seem to catch her interest long enough for her to get into. The longer it took to find Elizabeth, and this cult, the more hopeless things seemed, at least to Sunny. She was afraid that the longer it took, the less chance there would be of saving the poor girl. 

_~* A flash of blinding light, incandescent even behind her closed eyelids, sprang up before her. A deep, evil, feminine laugh played out in her mind, causing those who heard to become paralyzed with fear.*~_

Grabbing her head in pain, Sunny, was barely aware that she had actually stood up, and was stumbling blindly to the control room. By the time she got to the console, the pain in her head was tolerable enough for her to navigate without feeling like she was going to pass out from the pain. She saw the Magician on the floor, a gash on his forehead, and stumbled over to him. She tried to wake him, and was worried when she had no luck. Focusing as much as she could, she picked him up, and carried him to the medical bay; as thin as he was, he was still decently heavy, even to someone as strong as the Doctor. So by the time she placed him on an exam table, her arms were shaking from the weight, and she was glad he wasn't awake; she would have been mortified had he seen her looking that weak. She patched the gash on his forehead, which looked worse than it was, and carried him to her own room, thinking it might be safer if he didn't wake in a room that often caused him to lose sleep.

Just as she closed to the door behind her, her phone dinged, just as she was expecting; what she wasn't expecting, however, was to see that it was a group message that she'd been added to, with the Doctors that were part of the network. They all asked if the others had seen the same thing, the blinding light, and the evil laugh; Leather Jacket had added that he'd gotten in touch with the other Doctors, and they too had had the same terrifying image. No one knew what it meant, and Sunny wasn't going to enlighten them; she knew what was going on, and she'd been entrusted to never tell the others, no matter what. She had a theory about why they all had seen the messages, but she hadn't even told the Magician, afraid it would cause him more pain.

She politely replied that she'd seen it, had no information for them, and that she would keep them updated if they did find out anything. She put the group on silent, not needing to hear the phone ding constantly as they talked. She returned to the control room, and sat on one of the chairs around the edge of the console that she'd added during the most recent year of travel. The control room itself had changed again, appearing more like the original white interior that had been common when the first Doctor had stolen the TARDIS, and less like what it became when she had crashed on Earth after her regeneration.

A steady beeping startled Sunny from her introspection, and even before she could ask the TARDIS what was wrong, an image of a planet exploding in a flash of light, popped up on one of the monitors. After the flash left, all that was left was tiny chunks of dust, floating in space, and the echo of that evil laugh filled her with terror.

"What's going on? What's that beeping noise?" the Magician said, walking slowly up to the console, where Sunny silently points to the monitor, unable to speak. He watched the same thing she did, and frowned, then sighed sadly, and fell into one of the chairs.

"Another one?" he asks absently, his head hurting so much that he didn't realize he'd slipped up.

"What do you mean, another one?" she asks sharply, and has the satisfaction of seeing his eyes open wide when he realizes he'd given her more information than he'd meant to.

"I'd heard a rumor at the market, about a couple planets being completely destroyed, just like that. I didn't tell you because I didn't know if it had anything to do with our search. But if the TARDIS showed you, then I guess it must be," he replied tiredly, the pit of fear in his stomach turning into a soul-consuming darkness within him. He hadn't wanted to see that, hadn't wanted to know, didn't want to think about the implications of what that kind of power meant. Because he knew that, as bad as it was for the universe, it meant everything to him; it meant she couldn't be saved. One more loss on his soul, one more person he'd loved and had to lose. And for what? Greed? Domination? Revenge?

"I think it's time we told the others," Sunny said coldly, hiding behind her anger, because the terror was more than she wanted to deal with. He simply waved his hand at her, eyes closed, head leaning back against the back of the chair. She could almost see the pain radiating off of him, and it was the strangest thing to witness. She swore she saw actual disturbances of air around him, as though he really was projecting energy.

As she texted the group, and downloading the short video for them to see, and share, she kept on eye on her friend opposite her. She knew he wasn't doing well, and thought it was only a matter of time before he finally collapsed under the strain. She managed to hid the smirk that surfaced when she thought about what he could use as a distraction, but knew he'd never go for it, even if she could find someone to help. She thought about what her companions would say, and couldn't help but smile; luckily, he had his eyes closed, and missed her expression.

"Right, Jackson (as Leather Jacket has decided to call himself) said he's now getting in contact with the rest of the Doctors, and has asked where they should meet us. He, Pinstripes, and Bowtie have all said that there's no arguing it this time, they're coming to help whether we want it or not," she reported, not bothering to keep the amusement out of her voice, and actually laughed out loud when she saw the perplexed look on the Magician's face.

"Jackson? Really?" he said, not sure whether to be disappointed or amused. 

"Eh, better than Leather Jacket, and I agree," she replied, and sat down on a bench opposite him.

"I don't know, you figure it out. It's your TARDIS, after all, so it's better if handle that aspect," he replied, got up, and simply left without saying another word. Too confused about what had just happened, she was surprised, if slightly annoyed, when she looked back at her phone to find Jackson had been pushing her for an answer for about a minute. Texting the coordinates, she entered them into the TARDIS, and off they went.


	6. Chapter 6

Clara groaned as yet another argument broke out amongst the older Doctors, for something as silly as who's plan was the best. It was pointless, it was a waste of time, and she knew that it was all they could do to keep themselves from breaking down in abject fear. It had been six days since they seen the video of the planet exploding, and they'd received news that another three had been destroyed since, leaving the total a horrendous seven in number. They were scared, and they didn't like it; no one liked how terrifying the information really was. As they spoke, countless species were being warned of this powerful new Goddess, and the cult that had resurrected her to be their instrument of vengeance and destruction.

Sunshine had sent Clara's TARDIS a message, letting the two women know what had happened, and asked if they'd like to join in on the planning. Although Lady Me was against it, Clara wasn't entirely sure she wanted to; if it hadn't been for a promise she made River, to save the Doctor(s), and maybe even fix them, Clara would've said no. But she felt like it wouldn't be fair if she was on the sidelines, especially since she did love the Doctors. She'd studiously avoided her tall, gray haired Doctor, too afraid of letting him back into her life, afraid of what that would mean for them both. They had both moved on, and even though they both still loved each other, she felt it was best if they didn't allow things to go too far.

"You could at least talk to him, you know," Sunny said, coming to sit next to Clara at the kitchen island.

"Right, because that worked out so well in the past," Clara retorted, bitterness creeping into her voice. Sunny smacked her on the back of the head, rather hard.

"That was not only unnecessary, but also cruel. You're not a child, Clara, you're an adult. It's time you started acting like one. He tried to talk to you, and you gave him the cold shoulder. Why do you think no one else, except me, will even talk to you?" Sunny whispered harshly in her ear, and Clara hung her head. She was right, of course, but her heart and her head were currently still fighting each other. Both women looked up when they heard Bowtie snicker quietly, who was standing next to the Magician, talking quietly as a couple Doctors were shouting at each other.

Feeling her phone vibrate, Sunny looked down and saw that Bowtie had left a message, one that made no sense.

"What is a Gibbsmack?" she asked Clara, who shrugged, confused. The next image, a gif, showed an older man smacking the back of someone's head in the same manner, which at least explained it, somewhat. The Magician, looking amused for the first time in days, was obviously trying hard not to laugh about something, as both he and Bowtie were watching Sunny and Clara.

"Ugh, I can't take this anymore," Clara groaned, and left the kitchen, leaving Sunny once again frustrated. Grinding her teeth, she headed over to where the two Doctors were, and sat down in the chair opposite the Magician.

"I don't understand the word, but I at least understood the reference, sort of," she said to the Magician, who was still smirking.

"It was something Liz called it, explaining that the older guy was a team leader named Gibbs, and that that was how he rewarded his subordinates when they did or said something especially stupid," the Magician said, finally snickering. Bowtie just beamed, glad to see Clara put in her place; he'd at first been unhappy with how things had started, but now felt the same as the others, and held it against Clara, hating that she'd upset the Magician. He might be old, stubborn, and harsh at times, but he was still a good guy, and hadn't deserved the treatment she'd been giving him.

"I will say this again: humans are weird," Sunny replied, and both of the other two Doctors nodded, emphatically. They turned their attentions to the arguments again, grateful for the distraction.

 _ **-You just need to take Clara to your room, tie her up, and get it over with. You both need some grudge sex-**_ an oddly musical, feminine sounding voice said to Sunny, Bowtie, and the Magician; the Magician, however, spit out the sip of tea he'd taken, and started coughing. Sunny looked up at Bowtie, and saw that he, too, was hard put to not laugh.

"Sorry, guys, I think he tried to breath while swallowing. It happens," Bowtie remarked, while Sunny rubbed the older Doctor's back, trying to help him get control of his breathing. The mental voice had sounded familiar, but she couldn't place it; it certainly wasn't the TARDIS, but the familiarity of it slightly bothered her.

 _ **-Do I even want to know who that was? Or why we heard it? And were we the only ones?-**_ Bowtie sent to Sunny, eyes twinkling with amusement over Magician's head.

 _ **-I don't know, but I swear I've heard that voice before, but I can't think where. But, given the looks from the others, I think we are the only three who heard it, and I don't know why. I will say, however, whoever it was, she was very correct: he does need some... Companionship. Not that he'd ever go for it, and I doubt I could find anyone who'd be willing to even try-**_ she replied tartly, grabbing the paper towels someone had handed her, and wiped up the tea, thankful no one was near enough to get hit.

Bowtie didn't get a chance to reply, however, as the Magician grabbed their hands, and dragged them out of the kitchen, and down to his own bedroom. A sense of foreboding filled her when they entered, and the look of pain, anger, and terror on his face only made it worse.

"I know that voice. And it's impossible. She's gone. I don't care what was said, the fact remains, someone is using her voice to talk to me, to us, and I don't appreciate it," he said darkly, pacing in front of his bed. Bowtie and Sunny looked at each other before sitting down, and waited for him to reply, but he kept pacing, lost in his own thoughts.

"Alright, Magician, who is she?" Sunny finally asked, although she didn't really want to be the one to ask first.

Without saying a word, he stormed over to a bookshelf in the room, and grabbed a picture frame off one shelf, and handed it to her. His eyes had turned a shade of gray she'd only ever seen in storm clouds, and she noticed his hands were shaking. When she looked down at the picture, her own hands started shaking, and she actually felt nauseous. Leaning over to the side, Bowtie looked at the picture, but although shocked, he turned to look at both Sunny and Magician, trying to understand, and failing.

It was a beautiful picture, taken outside somewhere, probably a park, on a bright, sunny day. Two people, an older man and a younger woman, standing in front of a tree, both smiling such big, wonderful smiles, dominated the picture. The older man was the one currently pacing in front of the bed; in the photo, he was wearing a dark purple velvet jacket, with the black hoodie, and black holey T-shirt, and he had his arm around the woman's shoulders. The young woman was wearing a black T-shirt, and glasses, and was familiar to all three of them.

It was Elizabeth.

_____________________________________________________

_"See, I told you you'd like it," Liz said, sticking her tongue out at the Doctor, who simply smiled, and ruffled her short, black hair. Snorting with mock anger, she grabbed at his wrist, deciding it would be easier if she was holding his hand so that he'd stop messing up her hair. She wasn't vain, she just hated how it stuck up if it was messed with too much._

_The park was one near where she lived, and they'd ran across a friend of her's there, who'd taken the picture of them together. They weren't officially dating, but things had been a lot easier after they'd finally taken the plunge and slept together. She tried not to touch him too much in public, knowing how much he hated it; he still wasn't fond of hugging, but was better about it in private. So the fact that he'd chosen to put his arm around her shoulders for the picture surprised her, but she didn't say anything about it; they were both having fun just simply enjoying the good weather, and being with each other, that she didn't want to break the mood. She'd packed a picnic for them to share, and they'd spent several hours outside, walking from pavilion to pavilion. Despite having grown up in the area, she didn't know as much as the city's history and culture as she thought she should, so they'd read any plaque that they passed by._

_____________________________________________________

He collapsed on the bed, and started crying, curling up against Sunny, who held him, and comforted him the best she could. Bowtie simply looked at his two friends on the bed, wishing he knew how he could help, and feeling helpless. The memory had been shared mentally, and it was a wonder it had even stuck. It was almost as if the memory refused to be forgotten, being almost as intrusive as a song that gets stuck in your head.

 _ **-I don't understand. Why does he think she's dead?-**_ Bowtie finally asked Sunny, keeping his thought narrow, so that Magician wouldn't hear it.

 _ **-He's convinced that, if she was the one who destroyed those planets, that she can't be saved anymore, and is as good as dead. Unfortunately, I can't say if she can or not. I fear he may be correct.-**_ she replied on the same narrow band, looking into Bow's eyes.

 _ **-Ok, so, if she's dead, then who sent that message? And why? And, more importantly, how?-**_ he asked, trying to focus on something other than the miasma of pain coming from Magician.

 _ **-I don't know. If it IS her, maybe her spirit sent it? If not, then I don't know. I don't know why, especially considering that was a very specific message, and only the three of us heard it.-**_ she said, and laid her cheek on top of Magician's head; his crying had slowed some, meaning he was getting close to the end of the tears.

 _ **-It was her, she's not dead-**_ the TARDIS replied, causing Sunny to exclaim in surprise and pain when Magician's head snapped up at the words.

"What do you mean, she's not dead?" he asked, voice raspy and harsh from crying

 _ **-She is not dead. How she sent that message, I do not know, I only know it was her. I can't track it, but I can tell the difference-**_ the TARDIS replied, causing the three to stare at each other, wide eyed.

"What do you mean, you can tell the difference?" Bowtie whispered in awe.

 _ **-You may not believe ghosts are real, but spirits are very real. And what you heard was not the sound of someone who had died, it was her mental voice. I've actually heard her soul once, it was quite interesting-**_ was the reply, who made it sound so matter of fact, that all three Doctors were left speechless.

Without a second thought, Sunny found herself running down the hallway, back into the kitchen. Breathlessly, she explained what had happened, editing the message they'd heard into something a little believable; it wasn't anyone else's business what the others did in their own time. Excited, if a little concerned, the other Doctors talked animatedly with each other about the implications, ignoring the other two Doctors coming back in. And if anyone noticed that the tall, older Doctor had been crying, no one said a word. The fact that this mysterious girl had made contact with them, even if it was only three of them (or four, as the TARDIS remarked stoically), was a good sign, a great sign even. The seventh Doctor commented that he's seen a deity take possession of someone before, and that, unless that person was brain dead, or body dead, it often took time to integrate completely, so that means it's entirely possible the girl was fighting against the Goddess. This sparked a whole new set of conversations, but at least no one was arguing anymore.

Bowtie, meanwhile, snuck back out of the kitchen, and went looking for Clara. However angry he was with her, he felt she deserved the right to know what was going on; but, he was going to tell her the edited version, like Sunny had. No sense bringing up the fact that the Magician's former lover, who was currently possessed by an evil Goddess, was wanting him to have sex with Clara, if for no other reason than to relieve the tension. Whether or not it was a sound idea, that wasn't up to him to decide.

Hugging he arms to his chest, Magician set in his usual spot, lost in thought. He knew now what those dreams had meant, and he felt like his whole world was ending. They weren't just memories surfacing, they were her trying to communicate with him, and he'd overlooked it. The only thing he didn't understand was why he often had the same dream, a memory of him holding Liz, humming to her as she tried to sleep. It had been before she'd given him the music box, and it was actually the reason why she'd given it to him. She loved to sing, and that was one of her favorite lullabies to sing. She never had nightmares, but she did often have restless sleep. The first time it had happened, they had only slept together once, but neither of them felt comfortable enough to ask again. He had been in the control room.....

______________________________________________________

_Lost in the current book of interest, he didn't even hear her footsteps come into the control room, and only realized she was there when he saw her out of the corner of her eye. He managed to control his surprised reaction, and set the book down after he saw how tired she looked. She was wrapped up in her favorite red fleece blanket, the one with a kitten face on the front, and was shuffling slightly._

_"Another rough night?" he asked softly, not sure if she was actually awake or not. He'd seen her sleepwalk twice, which was its own nightmare to his mind._

_"Yeah. I can't get comfortable," she replied, trying to hide the crankiness in her voice, but failing._

_"Well, you're welcome to sit up here with me, if you like," he offered, smiling at her, pointing at the chair across from him. She nodded, and carefully sat down in the chair, rearranging the blanket under her. She leaned her head back, and closed her eyes, and he silently asked the TARDIS to turn the lights down lower, which she did willingly._

_They sat that way for a few more minutes, until she yawned and stretched, silently hiding the "ow ow ow" she felt when her leg cramped. Pretending he didn't notice anything, he smiled as he watched her, quickly hiding the smile when she turned back to face him._

_"I hate to ask, but would you mind coming and sitting with me? I'm not asking for anything more than some company until I fall asleep, please," she asked, her eyes reflecting the fact that she was concerned he'd say no, or that he's come up with some excuse as to why he couldn't. However, he wasn't at all about to refuse; he admitted, reluctantly, that he actually missed her._

_"Of course. Come on, let's get you tucked in," he said, and stood up, setting his book down. Placing a hand on her back, he steered her back to her room, where he actually got under the covers with her, although he hadn't removed his pants or shirt like he might've under different circumstances. She curled up against him and he let her, breathing in her scent, and felt a flutter in one of his hearts; she trusted him so completely that she felt safe, secure, with him. He held her close, eyes closed, listening to the change in her breathing as she finally drifted off to sleep. He thought briefly about returning to the control room, but then he realized he didn't want to leave. He was comfortable, he was... happy._

_He woke with a start, not realizing he'd drifted off to sleep himself, and wondered what had woken him. Hearing her whimper clued him in, and he made his decision; removing his pants and shirt carefully, the threw them in the chair with his jackets, and pulled her against him. When she kept whimpering, he softly hummed to her, using the lullaby she loved, and that calmed her down almost instantly. She snuggled up against him, deeply asleep again, and this time he joined her._

______________________________________________________

Hurriedly, he wiped the tears from his eyes; now was not the time for tears. So why, then, had he had that dream? What did it mean? Was he somehow still linked to her? Was her own memories trying to fight the possession? He closed his eyes, bringing a fist up to his nose, trying to hide his pain and weakness by appearing to be lost in deep thought.

 _ **-As much as I hate to say this, whoever she was, she did have a point: you really could use some.. Relaxation-**_ Sunny said quietly, having suddenly appeared in her usual spot next to him. He fought the urge to use a crude gesture on her.

 _ **-Right, sure. And if I did, which I don't, I sure as HELL am not going to Clara for relief-**_ he snarled; thankfully, he didn't see Sunny's mouth twitch, otherwise he would've really yelled at her.

 _ **-Fine, don't go to her. But please, for everyone's sake, go find someone. You're not a bad looking guy, I'm sure you can find someone who would be willing...-**_ she started saying.

 _ **-Enough. I'm not going to sit here and discuss my private business with you. Drop it-**_ he snapped back, and stormed out of the kitchen, which only Sunny was aware of.

Her eyes widened, and suddenly she had a brilliant idea; crazy, and she knew she'd get in trouble for it, but it had to be done. For everyone's sake.

 _ **-Oi, Bowtie, any luck?-**_ she sent silently to him.

 _ **-Yeah. Both Lady Me and Clara are intrigued by the implications, although they said they'd rather stay in their room for now. I don't blame them-**_ he replied.

_**-I have an idea, but I need your help. He had another memory pop up, I'm sure of it, but he wouldn't talk about it. And he got almost mean when I did suggest that he should look for someone to help him...**_ she remarked, smiling a little.

 _ **-Hehe, I bet he did! Poor guy. And I'm sure you made the mistake of suggesting it could be Clara?-**_ he asked, chuckling mentally.

 _ **-Well, sort of. I merely said I felt that, whoever that woman was, she did have a good point. He's the one who snapped at me about the idea of going to Clara never happening. He stalked out after I suggested he look for someone else,-**_ she said, and suddenly felt a little bad.

 _ **-Oh no, please tell me you didn't seriously say that?-**_ he asked, and she got the impression of him covering his face with his hand.

 _ **-Well... Yeah...-**_ she said, suddenly unsure of herself.

 _ **-Oh no... Alright, alright, we can fix this. What do you want me to do?-**_ he asked, and she swore he was trying hard not to start laughing out loud.

_**-Well, that's the thing, I'm not entirely sure. I actually would like to see him and Clara just get things over with, finally. But, at the same time, she's being a bitch to him, and I don't want to see him hurt any more than he already is.-**_ she replied, thinking about what they could do.

__

_**-Wait, I know! Send Clara to my room, tell her I'll meet her there shortly,-**_ she said with excitement.

 _ **-Ok... Just, be careful-**_ he replied, trying to hide the worry in his mental voice; luckily, she was too caught up in her plan to realize it was most likely going to be a disaster.

 _ **-Hey, look. I'm sorry. You're right, it's none of my business. It's just... I don't like seeing you like this, and I thought maybe it would help. But I promise I won't bring it up ever again,-**_ she sent to the Magician, calming her excitement enough to sound properly apologetic. At first, she almost didn't think he'd heard her, until he sighed.

 _ **-It's alright, I should't've snapped at you. This whole situation just has me more stressed out than I care for. I know you're only looking out for my best interest,-**_ he said sadly.

 _ **-Let me guess? You're in your room, curled up on your bed, crying your eyes out?-**_ she asked carefully.

 _ **-Close. I cried myself out, now I'm just curled up. But I can't stay here. Is it ok if I crash in your room tonight?-**_ he asked sullenly.

 _ **-Sure. I won't be able to sleep tonight,-**_ she said, careful not to sound too eager. He must be too depressed to hear it, she thought, suddenly sad, but brightened again with a conspiratorial grin. It would be worth it, if only they could just get over their issues. Sending a silent plea to the TARDIS, she almost laughed aloud when the old girl responded with so much gusto, she almost felt sorry for the unsuspecting couple.

  


Choosing to leave his jackets in his room, he quietly made his way down to Sunny's room, glad there wasn't anyone else in the hallways. He wasn't in a talkative mood; he wanted nothing more than to just fall asleep, and hope he felt better in the morning. He was so lost in thought that he failed to realize Clara was pacing in the room in front of the armchair.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, confused. When he looked up at her, he was equally confused; his confusion turned to anger as he heard the door lock behind him. Pulling out his sonic, he tried to unlock the door, was it refused to open. 

"I sometimes sleep in here. What are YOU doing here?" he asked darkly, anger mounting.

"Bowtie said Sunny wanted me to meet her in her room," Clara started, then stopped, eyes going wide as she realized that they had been set up.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Sunny waved at Bowtie as he entered, then grimaced at the backlash she was getting. Even shielded, the Magician sure knew how to yell. Looking around, she was relieved at least he was only yelling at her.

"I take it he just found out?" Bowtie asked, taking the Magician's seat.

"Yeah. He's furious. I mean, I understand, but come on, something needs to give," Sunny said, rolling her eyes.

"Yeah. And I have a feeling it's not going to be either of them," he replied, and they both looked at each other with almost growing horror.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"I swear I'm going to kill her when I see her," the Magician snarled angrily, ignoring the look of absolute terror on Clara's eyes; she'd never seen him this angry, not even after he faced the council on Gallifrey.

"So, what do we do now?" she asked quietly.

"WE are doing nothing. You can just stay over there, out of the way. Eventually someone will let us out, but until then, we can stay out of each other's way," he shouted, flopping angrily down onto the bed, and began taking offing his boots.

Clara, for her part, was hurt, and she knew she had no one to blame but herself. Being this close to him after all this time, it was almost too much. She swore she could smell him from where she was, having slumped down into the chair.

He, trying hard to ignore Clara behind him, laid down on the bed, clutching his hands into fists. It was hard to concentrate, he could smell her perfume all the way from the bed. It was faint, but it brought up a lot of good memories, and a few not so good ones.

Once again, Clara wished she could talk mind to mind, because she'd have asked Lady Me to come rescue her. This situation was far more dangerous than the rescue itself had been, because this would have far longer, lasting results. She closed her eyes, and laid her head back against the back of the chair, and prayed for a way out of this predicament.

Concentrating on random, boring memories, ones that held neither Clara nor Liz in them, he tried hard to ignore the feelings that were stirring deep within. He refused to allow himself to become vulnerable, not here, not now, and certainly not in front of her.

_~*Laughter, children playing, wind chimes blowing gently in the wind*~_

Tears filled his eyes, and he could smell the faint apple cinnamon scent Liz preferred, which was harder to tolerate than the richer scented perfume Clara wore. It wasn't fair. Why was this happening to him, now?

 _ **-Oh come on. Really? Don't make me drudge up the other memories just to spur you into doing what needs to be done-**_ that voice said again, and he felt like he'd been splashed by ice cold water. That was the worst thing he'd ever experienced. If things hadn't been so dour, so dire, he might have been amused at the notion of his ex-lover trying to get him to be intimate with the first woman he'd ever loved, in this body at least.

Feelings of remorse filled him, yet he knew that wasn't from him. Could it be? Could she truly be alive? But how?

Unaware of the internal struggle going on only a few feet from her, Clara shifted uncomfortably. Her imagination had run away with itself, and she was having trouble trying to change its course. She tried to think about all the times her and Lady Me had spent time together, only to realize that was only making things worse. Sighing mentally, she consigned herself to being locked up like a prisoner, until either the TARDIS or Sunny released them. She also vowed to leave, and never return, once she got out. She didn't appreciate being lied to like this, and being put into this situation. As the scent of apple cinnamon body spray tickled her nose, she smiled, unaware the significance.

Try as he might, his body apparently had ideas of its own, and nothing he did helped. Even if he did want to do what needed to be done, he couldn't. Not just because it was Clara, but because he felt like it would be unfair, to both of them; he would never force someone to do something they didn't want to do. Memories came to mind, but he knew it wasn't Liz doing it, it was his own body, his own mind. Thoughts he'd had but never acted on also came to mind, and he turned off the lamp on the nightstand, rather than give in to the demands on his body. It wouldn't be the first time he'd been like this, he doubted it would be the last.

Surprised at the sudden lack of light, Clara opened her eyes and looked over at the bed. She had always been amused by the fact that the windows, although they never actually looked outside, showed whatever background you wanted. And in this room, it looked like they were floating in space, with a soft, bluish light giving just enough light to move by, without keeping one up. It was soothing, relaxing, and the bed looked ever so inviting... She bit her lip to stop herself from moving, refusing to even think about such things. All the things she'd thought about when she was travelling with this Doctor came to mind, and she ruthlessly pushed them back down. She wouldn't put herself in that situation, that wasn't right. No matter how much she loved him, she couldn't do that to him. It wouldn't be right. It wouldn't be fair. Besides, she thought bitterly to herself, he loves someone else, so putting him in that predicament would be just cruel.

_~*Oh you silly child, the being thought to itself, watching the rather pathetic scene in the room. It had been trying to hard to push these two together, and they were fighting it. The feelings were there, and they both obviously wanted it, so why then did they resist? Why not act on those feelings? The being couldn't understand it, but wasn't about to give up*~_

10 minutes later, and he was getting nowhere. His body wouldn't let him sleep, and he was going nuts with it all. Realizing he wouldn't get sleep, he decided to just get it over with, no matter what. He hated the thought of what he was about to do, but he was upset, and wanted some relief. So he sat up, sitting on the edge of the bed, fighting himself from what he wanted to do. Standing slowly, he made his way to the chair, staring down at Clara, admiring the bluish light bathing her in a faint light. He reluctantly admitted she looked even more beautiful than she ever had, and he almost lost all control. Trying to hide his heavy breathing, leaning one hand against the wall, he gently caressed her cheek, thankful the light cast shadows on his lower body.

She gasped, startled by the gentle caress, and couldn't believe the Doctor was standing over her. She could hear him breathing heavily, almost raspy, and was curious what he was up to. His hand was shaking slightly, and she touched his hand with of her own, pressing his hand into her cheek, leaning into his touch. She couldn't help it, his touch brought all her feelings rushing back, and she started breathing a little heavier too. Throwing caution to the wind, she pushes herself out out of the chair, throwing herself at him, laying a kiss on his lips, deep and passionate, and felt a thrill when he returned the kiss, wrapping his arms around her. She moans softly, pressing her body against him, and no longer thought about whether or not they should be doing this, caring only about making love to the one person she had denied herself of for so long...

_~* The being smiled, happy things had progressed the way they needed to. Even if this was the only time, it would go a long way to mending the chasm between them. If nothing else, he needed someone else who loved him at his side, someone who could give him what he needed as he faced the worst pain he'd ever had to experience. The being felt sorry for doing this them, for causing them to potentially hurt more, but it needed to be done; a promise had been made, even if the Magician didn't realize it*~_

  


They returned to the kitchen a couple hours later, without a word to anyone, and took their seats as usual. Sunny looked ready to bolt, until Magician smiled softly at her, and sat down.

 _ **-I'm not going to talk about it, and I'm still upset at you, but don't worry, I won't yell too loudly-**_ he told her silently.

"Did I miss anything?" he asked, as if nothing strange had happened.

"Well, the others think it would be worth going to visit that planet, and taking a look around. But we were debating whether to take the TARDIS, or some of kind of ship, to go. A couple of them suggested we could maybe ask Clara and Lady Me to borrow their TARDIS, but I told them that would have about the same effect: if anyone knows the sound of the TARDIS, we'd have issues," Sunny replied.

"Hmm. I can see both points, though. We need to visit, but maybe finding a different ship would be better than any TARDIS. But, we could always try turning off the brakes, that would make it a lot quieter," he offered as a thought.

"And be a lot more dangerous to land, too. But you're right, that's a possibility as well," she commented. "I guess it's time to rejoin the conversation," he said, sighing.

  


Three hours later, they had all decided to visit the planet with Sunny's TARDIS, with the brakes off, so it didn't make any sound. All of the Doctors went onto the planet, but couldn't find anything about the cult. Well, not physically, but they did find out that it was the cult themselves that rejuvenated the planet, bringing it back in a matter of three years to how it used to be, before it's original destruction. The Great House that was the head of the cult had buildings on the planet, with many towns that supported the House. No other Houses had even survived the destruction of the planet, much less the alien race, which was why the reemergence of that Great House was suspicious, to say the least. But while the folk on the planet may not know much about the cult, or the whereabouts, they did provide other information. Now they had a goal, a place to start.


	7. The Final Battle

Two months later, they were chasing a fleet of ships bearing the cult insignia, trying to find where this Goddess was, or would be next. Four more planets had been obliterated, and it didn't seem to be following any pattern that they could see. One thing they did learn, however, was what effect was on the Doctors. At first, everyone put it off as just stress, but as time went on, slowly the first Doctors, the youngest, started acting strangely; after a while, it started appearing as if they had all gone mad, which, while not unusual for them ("it's not a recent thing" a couple would quip, almost proudly), was more pronounced. The older Doctors didn't seem to be having issues, but Sunny theorized it would only be a matter of time, yet no one knew what was causing this problem. But as the first Doctor's mental instability grew worse, everyone talked about what would be best, in the long way. Eventually, it was decided to put those effected, and those who wanted to go, into stasis chambers, thus hopefully preventing further degradation. It was a shock to everyone when the War Doctor was the first to volunteer, stating that, while he might be good at combat, he was tired of fighting, and had no real purpose to their group otherwise. So he was the first to go in, followed quickly by the first, second, and third doctors. The others weren't effected as badly, and chose to remain awake until it was no longer probable for them to remain safe.

And so went the missions, the research, long, exhaustive days and nights spent trying to find anything. They even went to the biggest library in the world, although the four oldest Doctors declined going in, saying they would remain with the TARDIS. The others could tell there was something they weren't saying, and that whatever it was was emotionally difficult, but the others weren't going to push; they all knew the value of keeping some thoughts private, just as they knew what emotional suffering looked like. So two of the Doctors stayed at the library, while the others went off elsewhere; but even that trip didn't help as much as they'd hoped, getting very little information on this Goddess. Whoever She was had been lost, if there was ever any record on Her that wasn't on the planet before it was destroyed.

The longer this went on, the more distant the Magician became, even though he was at least easier to deal with after spending time with Clara. No one knew if they'd gotten anything resolved, but at least she wasn't being as mean to him anymore. But he'd begun to withdraw from everyone, keeping to himself unless he had to report something, which wasn't often. Everyone decided it was best to let him keep to himself, because every time they heard of another ravaged planet, he hurt more and more. Sunny was afraid they'd have to put the Magician in stasis until they found Her, the Goddess, because he was becoming dark, willing to hurt people in order to do what needed to be done. And that wasn't like him, it wasn't like any of them really, so to see one of them becoming so twisted was like seeing the War Doctor, at least for the older Doctors, the ones after the Time War. And that wasn't acceptable, to anyone's mind, so they managed to convince him to mind the TARDIS instead, leaving the others to do research, and talk to people, which suited the Magician just fine. His last nightmare had left him shaking so badly that he decided to avoid everyone, and just drive the TARDIS.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It's a good thing we finally found them, Sunshine thought to herself, we've got almost no one left now. She'd just put the eighth Doctor in stasis, and was waiting till Jackson to start showing more symptoms. It had been another two months since the War Doctor, and the first Doctor, had been put into stasis, and the rate of degradation was a little worrisome to Sunny. The Magician no longer said anything, to anyone, barely slept, barely ate, just stared at the monitors, and flew the TARDIS. Sometimes it was like he didn't even know anyone else was there, choosing to ignore anyone who tried to talk to him. He'd become increasingly unhealthy looking, emaciated, looking more like a ghoul than a living being, and had taken to wearing all black clothing. Gone where the velvet jackets and white shirts, now it was just the black hoodies, and black shirts, making him look dreadful. Clara wouldn't even look at him anymore, being almost horrified at how awful he looked lately; not that he would've noticed anyone anymore.

"TARDIS, TARDIS, WE HAVE SIGHTING OF THE GODDESS. I REPEAT, WE HAVE A SIGHTING. I'M LITERALLY LOOK AT HER WITH MY OWN EYES," came the harried shout of Bowtie, making the Magician pull up a live feed; he'd made everyone a set of sonic glasses, and had them link to the TARDIS, so there would always be a live feed.

Heavy footsteps could be heard running towards the control room, after hearing the pronouncement being broadcast to most of the ship; she wouldn't broadcast to the rooms where people slept, and had almost soundproofed the rooms for that reason.

Everyone that was left was crowded around the monitors, watching the feed for themselves. Magician's eyebrows were almost touching, he was so angry; he knew what would come next, and he was willing to destroy everyone else to make them pay. He looked at the Goddess floating over a flattened area, seeing strange symbols glowing on the body. He noted dispassionately that She had lost weight since the room they'd been placed in originally. She also had regrown the stump, creating a rather attractive body, even if it was covered in deep, blood red glowing symbols. It didn't matter what they were, or what they said, he hated seeing them on Liz. He no longer had dreams or nightmares, and he figured that meant Liz was gone.

"COME TO ME, DOCTORS. I CAN FEEL YOU FROM HERE. WE WAITED FOR YOU TO CATCH UP, TRYING TO LEAVE BEHIND PLENTY OF.. WHAT DO YOU CALL THEM? AH, BREADCRUMBS. SO COME TO ME, COME. GIVE ME YOUR LIFE, LET ME TAKE YOU BACK IN, ALLOW YOU TO BECOME ONE WITH ME." the entity said, Her voice beautiful and terrifying at the same time. It didn't just echo through the speakers, but into each of their minds; Sunny only hoped the ones in stasis wouldn't be able to hear.

They all watched as Bowtie carefully backed away from where he was, making sure he couldn't be seen or heard, and the TARDIS teleported him back into the control room.

"NO? VERY WELL THEN. MEET ME BACK WHERE IT ALL BEGAN, LET US FINISH WHAT WE STARTED. WHAT A FINALE THAT WOULD BE: ENDING WHERE EVERYTHING HAD BEGUN. AND ONE I ABSORB YOUR LIFE ESSENCES, I SHALL DESTROY THE REST OF THE UNIVERSE. SO COME, MY DOCTORS, MEET ME IN TWO DAYS, IN THE SAME ROOM WHERE FIRST WE MET," She said, laughing wickedly.

The remaining Doctors, not caring that Magician wasn't a hugger or into physical contact, each laid their hands on his shoulders, showing their support. Each of them was furious for what had happened to this poor girl, and knew the strain their fellow was under. He said nothing, not even really noticing their touches, nor their support. He typed in the coordinates, time and date, and set the TARDIS spinning off into space. He moved as someone who was asleep, ignoring all else, jaw tense from clamping his teeth together. Whatever happened, it would be bad, probably bloody, and deadly for some.

"I'll go wake the others; I'm sure they wouldn't want to be left out of this last fight," Pinstripes said quietly, and ran to the second medical bay without a second thought.

Sunny stayed with the Magician, while the other three went to get changed, and gather whatever supplies they thought they might need. Sunny sent a message to Clara and Lady Me, giving them the information, and said they'd be welcome in the final fight, but no one would blame them for staying out of it.

Pinstripes returned, the other Doctors in tow, and everyone readied themselves as best as possible. Again without word, Magician equipped his sonic, and walked out the doors, ignoring the others behind him. He was already withdrawing his emotions, drawing upon his memory of Bill and the Cybermen, so he could do what was necessary, even if it killed him.

The fought their way through hordes of security guards, they slowly made their way up to the topmost room. The Goddess was watching them from afar, amused at idea that they were coming to kill Her; She honestly doubted they'd be able to do it, since killing was against their nature.

_~*The being smiled wickedly, barely able to contain it's excitement. The Goddess thought She was going to win, but the being knew better. It had a secret the Goddess didn' know aboutt, and it was going to be very entertaining to watch Her get brought down*~_

An hour after arriving, the group (which did include Clara and Me) had finally made it to the big room, and noticed the Goddess sitting regally on the plastic chair. As soon as everyone had entered the room, the door closed behind them, and locked; even the sonic couldn't unlock the door. The entity laughed, and a wave of energy pressed all of them down, paralyzing them, forcing them each onto their hands and knees.

_~*Wind chimes in the wind, children laughing*~_

_~*A faint scent of cinnamon apples fills everyone's noses*~_

The Goddess starts laughing, a sound so evil it chills their blood, making their hearts beat rapidly. The Magician starts shaking, part fear, and part anger, knitting his brows together as he glares at the creature in the chair. He vowed silently that he was destroy Her, once and for all, and that he would take Liz to Gallifrey for burial, since he'd once shown her his home planet; it was the only way to give her a final farewell.

"Oh this is almost too good," She laughed, her voice twinkling with amusement. Despite how completely evil She was, Sunny had to admit, Her voice and body were rather attractive.

"And now I will add your collective energies into Me, and you will all know unity once again," She said, to which Lady Me (the immortal once known as Ashildr) snickered. The Goddess glares at the diminutive girl, and forces her down onto her stomach, then smiles wickedly.

"Farewell, Doctors. Just know I have enjoyed your energies," the Goddess said, and raised her hand to strike them down. Sunshine closed her eyes, while mentally reaching out for everyone; if they were to die, at least they could do so being mentally connected to each other.

Clara, eyes closed in fear, waited for the strike she knew was coming. And waited. Then carefully opened one eye, and was shocked to see the Goddess was floating above the chair, but seemed almost frozen, Her eyes wide open with what looked like fear.

_~*Children laughing*~_

Again that sound tickled everyone's ears, and Clara glanced at the Magician, and wasn't surprised to find tears flowing down his cheeks. He knew what that was, who it belonged to, and so did the others.

It was Elizabeth, that was how her energy sounded when she was healing someone. The Magician had told them all that one day, shortly before they had to start putting the Doctors into stasis. He'd had to tell them, because that sound had started showing up more frequently, and no one knew why.

The pressure that had been holding them down suddenly released, and all 14 Doctors whipped out their sonics, and blasted the immobilized Goddess. The red glow of the tattoos started to spread across Her body, then She screamed, and the literal light in Her eyes died, and the body floated down. The Magician ran swiftly over to her, holding her against him as he rocked, and cried. The others slowly left the room, except Sunny, who decided to stay and support her friend. She knew what would have to happen next, and she wanted to be there to help him.

A feather light touch on his cheek startled him, and he looked down into Liz's eyes, which had been turned black by the Goddess, her smile lighting her whole face up.

"You came," she said, her voice no longer echoing like it had when the Goddess used it.

"Of course I came, my love. I wasn't going to leave you in that one's mercies," he replied softly, voice heavy with pain.

"I fought her the entire time. It wasn't easy. But I did it. How else do you think you got the memories to surface? And speaking of memories, I was the reason you all had those visions; the regenerative energies from each Doctor allowed me to contact them, although you were always the easiest," Liz replied, her voice weakening as she started wheezing slightly.

"Sunshine told me her theory on that, and it looks like she was right. I was so afraid," he said to her, sobbing in his grief.

"I too was afraid, my love. But you're safe now. She's gone, and you're all safe," she wheezed.

He kissed her lips deeply, tasting the salt from his tears, and could feel her heartbeat grow weaker.

"Please call the other Doctors in. There's something I need to do before I go," she said softly, once he'd pulled away to take a breath. Sunny went just outside, leaving the Magician to hold Liz's body. Once they'd returned, she sat up, then stood slowly, with her beloved Doctor's help. He was not ashamed to show his tears, he'd earned them.

"I return what was unfairly removed. This should help restore your minds and bodies," she told them, smiling sadly at each of them.

Liz walked around to the first Doctor, bowing slightly, then hugged him; a reddish gold energy enveloped him, and he smiled at her. She did that to the next seven Doctors, restoring their energies to them. But to the Eighth, she kissed him gently on his lips, restoring his energies that way. Upon approaching the War Doctor, she saluted him, and offered him her hands, which he took, then pulled her into a deep embrace. He hadn't told anyone this, but she had given him dreams of restored Gallifrey, helping to ease his war weary hearts, so she held a special place in them. She kissed Jackson, Pinstripes, and Bowtie, making them each blush slightly, and smile at her. She skipped her Doctor, however, and went to Sunny, kissing her lips gently, as she had the others. Turning back to the Magician, she kissed him deeply, making most of the Doctors look away, out of respect more than embarrassment.

As the last of the regenerative energies left her body, she collapsed against the Magician, who lowered her to the ground again. She reached up and caressed his cheek one last time, sighed happily, then the lights went out of her eyes. She was gone. He cried loudly, shaking, holding her tightly, only to gasp in shock when her body turned into golden motes of energy, and dissipate. He stayed there, on his knees, crying quietly, while the others milled around, not sure what to do. Sunny simply placed her hand on his shoulder, and was heartened when he touched her hand with one of his own; it showed he knew she was supporting him.

_~*The being was finally free, having been released from it's mortal coil. It had been given a choice: return to a new body, or allow its energy to be turned into a TARDIS. The being was shocked; it knew the TARDIS was sentient, and had a soul, but didn't realize any soul would do. No, the being was told, not ANY soul, only ones that were made of pure energy. But it wasn't ready yet, it still had something left to do before it went anywhere. But it was interested in being put into a TARDIS, thinking how much it had come to love the one it had once traveled in, and hoped it could one day find another Time Lord to fall in love with as they traveled around the universe*~_

Slowly, a strange glowing form started to appear in front of the Magician, although at first they didn't notice it; it wasn't until the thing coalesced into a humanoid shape, glowing reddish gold, did anyone notice it. It wasn't overly bright, but it was strange enough to elicit reactions from all but one Doctor.

 _ **~*"I am here to restore not only your memories, but your essences back into the current Doctor,"*~**_ a familiar, melodic voice said, coming from the energy being. The Magician looked up in shock, and almost horror. He couldn't understand what was happening, and why this glowing form sounded like his beloved Elizabeth.

 _ **~*"I am her, my beloved Doctor. When I was there with you in the TARDIS, this is what I would've looked like. I'd learned to send my very Soul out, working to help you all. I have been given a choice: return to a body, or become part of a TARDIS. I had something to do first, and was given leave to do so. But my love for you will always be there, and I will find you again some day. I love you,"*~**_ Liz said, caressing his cheek with what constituted as her hand.

 _ **~*"Beautiful, Sunny Doctor, please come here. Since you are the focal point, I need you front and center,"*~**_ she said, and smiled at Sunny, who came to stand just behind the Magician. With a snap of her fingers (eliciting a snicker from both Bowtie, and Clara), all of their memories were restored, which caused them all to gasp, and a couple to grab their heads. Raising her arms above her head, Liz pulled the energy of the First Doctor into Sunny, who gasped in shock as he became reintegrated, then proceeded to do the same to the others, stopping briefly each time to allow the Doctor to regain her composure. She held her hands out to the Magician, who took them, and pulled him into a deep embrace, caressing his hair as he cried into what amounted to her shoulder. She shared with him the knowledge he needed: that she left because she was afraid of them becoming so close that the death of one or the other would have catastrophic effects on the other. How often she cried herself to sleep after she left, how much she wanted to drag him back with her when he'd visited her, after she'd moved. How she'd never stopped loving him, and how she'd never been able to be more than friends with anyone after him, feeling it would be a tragic mistake, and a dishonor to the man she loved. She would never love another man, and had had to leave so that he could move on with his life. She had always felt he was better off without her, and had hated how much leaving him had hurt. She hated seeing the pain and hurt in his eyes, so she had to act cool around him, so that he'd not try to convince her to come back. She knew that would be a disaster, no matter how much she loved him.

He cried, holding onto her as tightly as he could. He knew she no longer felt pain, so he could hold her as tightly as he needed to, and she poured all her love into him.

 _ **~*"It is time, my beloved it. I wish you could stay, but if you don't return to the natural order, you will both go insane, and I don't know what will happen to you physically,"*~**_ she said, kissing him one last time, and caresses his cheek. He smiles weakly at her, placing his hand on her hand, and nods sadly. Without moving, she pulls the last of the incarnations back into the Doctor, and moves to catch the female Doctor as she collapses, having passed out from the stress of being restored. Carrying the woman's supine form out, ignoring Clara and Lady Me, who are staring in shock at the whole situation, Liz carry's the Doctor to the TARDIS. Saying a final farewell to Old Blue, she leaves the sleeping Doctor in her own bed, and retreats, dissipating until she's gone, and leaves one last message for the Doctor, which echoes not only throughout the TARDIS, but into the Doctor's sleeping mind:

_**~*"I understand you better than many people would, or will, but not for how you realize. You carry a great weight on your shoulders, a great burden, and at times it seems almost impossible to carry. That's the real reason you have companions, friends, is to help ease some of that burden. You've seen it all, or think you have, so a lot of it seems boring, like old news. But when you take someone along who's never seen this or that, you get caught up in their childlike awe and wonder, and suddenly it become fun again.** _

_**But, like all things, that too must eventually come to an end. And you're alone again, alone with your thoughts and your memories. But maybe they're a little less heavy this time, because you have fond memories of your adventures.** _

_**But see, what most of your companions and friends don't realize is, is how heavy that burden actually is.** _

_**Weight of the world on your shoulders? Nah. Weight of the universe? No, even that doesn't hold a candle. No. It's the weight of the memories. The burden of remembering."*~** _


	8. Epilogue

The Doctor had slept for about three days, with Clara and Lady Me watching over her. Once she woke up, however, they said goodbye, and went off on their own. It took another two days for her to catch herself up with all the memories that had been restored. She'd spent the time cleaning up the TARDIS, putting away the now empty rooms, although she kept the Magician's room up for a while. 

As she entered the library, arms tired from carrying several large boxes fulled of journals, she sighed contentedly. This was the last box, and although she was worn out, it was worth it; the other Doctors had done as she'd suggested and written journals of all their adventures, and she knew she'd enjoy reading them, and remembering.

As she went about putting the journals in an empty bookshelf, made just for this purpose, the faint scent of apple cinnamon drifted to her nose, making her stop, and smile.

"Thank you, my beautiful Lady. I miss you, almost as much as he does. But such is the way of things. I hope you find a good Time Lord to care for your TARDIS. Look us up, yeah?" she asked, and heard the incredibly faint sound of children laughing and wind chimes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it wasn't as long as the other story, but I hope you still enjoyed it. This was the first "series" I ever wrote, so give me some credit for trying?!?!


End file.
